Fruitful Friday 


 

Today’s meeting with the Director of Stephen Residence went well. Better than expected. New Year 2017. Blank Slate. Fresh Start.

So glad I had the opportunity to speak directly one on one with the Director of QCP. I’ve known him a long time and I do trust him. I feel he values my opinion and will address my concerns regarding the clothing issues.

Gradually I’m starting to throw away my cynicism, doubts, becoming jaded and distrustful of other human beings. At one point I nearly lost faith in all humanity. We are all connected and in many ways that we don’t even realize or think about we are all connected. Not everyone is trying to throw you under the bus.

Of course like everyone I’ve had bad experiences and some horrible interactions with others and that includes my own family members but the actions of a few does not mean everyone you meet in your life will do the same thing to you. We are never really totally self-reliant. Most of us do not grow our own food or make our own clothes. So-called self-reliant Freedoms we take for granted during the peak of our youth and strength will be taken from you as old age, infirmities and disabilities settle in and become the new normal.

After my stroke at age 49 my life changed dramatically. I went through what I believe are the 7 stages of grief. For the longest I was alternately depressed and angry because I could not longer do the things I used to do like drive. My eyesight was affected by the stroke and I lost a good deal of vision in my left eye. So I cannot drive. I have difficulty reading books, signs, documents, etc…

Eventually over the last 8 years I’ve had to throw away my pride and accept help. Due to arthritis my back, legs, ankles, knees and joints no longer work the way they once did. God in his mercy has sent many rescuers to my aid but I had to drop my bad attitude, have faith and accept help.  As the banks and financial institutions say, Past performance is not indicative of future results. I cannot allow my past including the abuse I suffered from men, racism, discrimination, bigotry and even some of my paternal cousins shunning me and Stephen affect my current or future interactions with people.

Back in 2012 I had several traumatic experiences. I split up with a guy whom I really cared for and had fallen in Love with but because his parents had died he had to return to the Eastern European country of his birth. It hurt. During this time period I also had a falling out with certain paternal cousins who I had cared for and supported when they fell on hard times. Yes they turned their backs on me. That really hurt because we were all raised up together. I cried. I felt abandoned. After all your family is supposed to Love you but we all know in reality that is not always the truth.

Finally I had a very strange experience while posted in a special Civil War photo exhibit. As many of you may have read in my previous blogs I had an ancestor William Henry Halstead who served as a Union Soldier. Well don’t ask me how but my Great, Great Grandfather made contact with me and I found myself in the midst of one of the battles he was in. I heard cannon fire, felt bullets whizzing by me. I heard the cries of the wounded. Their screams. I felt my Great, Great Grandfather William Henry Halstead fear and anxiety. The whole vision was unsettling.

I needed answers so I prayed to Jesus to send someone who would help me. Jesus sent me a Japanese Buddhist Lady who today has become one of my strongest friends. Guess Jesus has both a sense of humor and the knowledge/wisdom to send the right person despite that person being a different race/religion.

I can be a very difficult person yet she put up with me. Listen to my troubles. We went together to her Temple Shinnyo-en New York which I later joined. Now I’ve had my ups and downs but on Jan. 15th my Japanese girlfriend and I are going to the Main Temple located in White Plains. We will be together as Sisters. American and Japan. Buddhist and Christian.

http://www.shinnyocenternyc.org/about-us/

http://www.shinnyocenternyc.org/about-us/holiness-shinso-ito/

As my mother Mable Palmer used to tell me, “Deborah you never know who you may have to call on.”

Just want to point out that when Stephen cannot do something and I ask him if he needs help he says Yes right away. I need to be more like my brother in some ways.

Thanking everyone for their prayers.

Stephen, QCP Director as Santa Claus and a friend

 

17 thoughts on “Fruitful Friday 

    1. Thank you for your kind remarks. Believe me when I say that I am No Angel. Many times there is a set of horns holding up my Halo but over time I am improving. Again Thanks for reading and commenting. Enjoyed hearing from you! 🙂 😀

      1. True. The duel warring natures of human kind. I read the below scripture on another blog that I follow and I feel it speaks to me and the goodness/mercy of God.

        1 Chronicles 4:10 New King James Version (NKJV)

        10 And Jabez called on the God of Israel saying, “Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!” So God granted him what he requested.

  1. It is unbelievable where you went through, Deborah. I only knew about the tip of the iceberg. I am even more impressed by your being! You are much stronger than many of us together. I am so glad you found that lady…. or vice versa and that you can see that although there are people who let us down not caring what that does with us that you did not lose your belief in people in general.

    1. The first time I had spiritual counseling with one of the Shinnyo-en Ministers he detected that I had a lot of anger. He was so right. I’m still working out the anger, abandonment and abuse issues but I realize that I’m never gonna get better or move forward if I stay stuck in the same thinking or remain distrustful. It is normal be to be cautious because as a single woman I must take care but I don’t want to be paranoid. I finally had to admit in the meeting and to myself that I can be abrupt and sometimes brutal. But just like Stephen depends on me I must depend and have a certain amount of trust in the Staff of his Group Home. Continuous fighting and arguments will get us nowhere fast. I was skeptical about attending the meeting but the Director Ed even had a staff person pick me up at my house and at the end of the meeting bring me back home. I was able to see and examine Stephen’s room, his wardrobe and his Dresser. At least this is a start in working out the kinks and past clothing issues. After I returned home and began reading other posts it got me thinking about my stinking thinking. Most likely I’ll always have certain triggers, some anxiety and some panic but I’d like to reduce these feelings and emotions. If there is to be any healing in my life it has to begin with me. The past can never be changed. But now I want to as much as possible wipe the imprint of my abusers off my life. I want to own my Life not someone else. As the song says I Almost Let Go. Thanks for understanding.

      Kurt Carr – I Almost Let Go

      1. You already have made the most important step: You realized that the change has to come from you, your thinking, your attitude, the way you look at things. The second important step is to realize that you are able to change that thinking and attitude. It is a choice! As the Wayne Dyer’s quote says: “When you change the look at things, the things you look at change.”
        There are definitely reasons for your anger. You went through so much. But realizing that you punish yourself the most when sticking to it is such a profound insight. It is a self-made prison and as soon as you look at certain situations and people from a different side, the whole thing changes its appearance! That is the secret of a “happy” life, to look at everything in a way that supports our life instead of boycotting it!
        As I said, the most important step is done and now it is only a matter of the devlopment. You already brought things in motion due to your change of thinking about the whole matter. It will all be good!

      2. I agree. One has to strike a “Happy Medium.” Whining, complaining and being suspicions is no good because sooner or later we all need some assistance in this life. None of us no matter what we think are totally independent or self-sufficient. On the other hand one must realize that people come into your life for a reason and a season and when that reason and season is finished it is time to let go. There is a balance between happy and sad. Life has its ups and downs but we have to be able and be flexible to weather whatever fate throws at us. Finally I came to the point where I said I don’t want to live angry or upset all the time. It is time to break out of the prison. Can’t say I’ll be totally trusting because certain behaviors are built in but I’m open to change. Thanks.

      3. It was that proverbial breakthrough moment. That moment when a dramatic change in life starts to happen. Yes, life is not always roses. But we can have a happy core and use the dirt we get in order to make those roses grow better! Your replies are giving me happy goosebumps and I see that big change coming for you. I knew the apartment situation had a reason and I am sure it is connected to your breakthrough. Things which are meant for us already happen in the background without us noticing. It all comes together in a perfect order!

      4. Well for the many times I’ve been in the hospital and various Emergency Rooms I’m glad I had a room-mate because he is the one who came and picked me up from the hospital when I was released. My body does not work the way it used to so there are still times when I can’t fully function. So I do need help. And I’m Thankful for All Help received over the years of illness and encroaching disabilities.

      5. It doesn’t mean you won’t get a new room-mate…. who knows! Once you are open to the world, you allow the world to come to you! Again, goosebumps while writing this and that basically means that it is a big truth!

      6. Openness, Gratitude & Appreciation are some of the Key Ingredients to a better life. A good life. Also Oneness with God, the Creator or the Universe to manifest positive change because it can’t all be done on your own strength. Sometimes you gotta rely on something, somebody or someone greater than yourself.

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