Emotional Healing ~~ Only a PipeDream


 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/heal/#like-253021

Your body can heal from bruises, bumps, cuts and breaks but your mind can never heal from emotional, physical or psychological abuse.

I am a rape survivor. I was raped when I was 19 but the abuse did not stop there. Throughout most of my adult life I have been the object of sexual harassment, domestic violence, bullying, workplace violence etc…  For a long time I tried to cover up my wounds by going to church, reading my Bible, prayer, exercise, having productive hobbies such as photography, practicing Buddhist meditation, getting out into Nature, affirmations, playing Gospel, Inspirational and uplifting music, read books that are supposed to show you how you can get deliver from your thoughts, listening to progressive positive videos and podcasts, and so on. You name it I’ve tried it or am still using these strategies.

During the last 40 odd years I’ve been hospitalized repeatedly for Depression. I’ve been on all types of anti-depressants and psychosis drugs/pills to no avail. I spent two weeks on the psych ward as a prisoner at Kings County Hospital in Brooklyn, NY. One of the worst hospitals in New York.  I was forced to take medication that caused panic attacks, breaks with reality, hallucinations and everything else these drugs are supposed to fix. I saw things there that scared the hell out of me and frightened me so badly that I promised myself I would never return to the hell hole again.  Just thinking about that place causes nightmares.

Believe me when I say that the cure is worse than the disease.

After being released from Dante’s Inferno I began to realize that I will never escape the effects of the trauma. I will always have flashbacks, nightmares, triggers, night terrors and fears that nobody except those who’ve gone through my experience can understand. I know I will never have a loving, caring relationship with a man because too much water has passed under the bridge and I rarely trust men. My history and my experiences are my reality no matter how many times I read or watch that book/movie called The Secret.

I still do all the things I stated in the early paragraph but now as I approach my sixth decade on this earth I realize that I cannot run away from me. I was looking for a fix or a cure that does not exist. I must accept my failures, flaws, and shortcomings because no matter what I do inside my mind I will remain the same.

However all is not lost as I know when I pass from Labor to Reward I will receive my healing in Heaven and my suffering will come to an end.  Finally I will find peace.

One thing that I will do when I see Jesus is ask him why I had to go through all this pain and what I did to cause it.  Was there something wrong with me. That is something for which I really want an answer.

So that is my response to today’s word prompt despite the fact that I know folks won’t like my words and will say that my feelings and emotions are not true or valid but deep inside I know that my truth is my reality no matter how much I try to change it. You can’t run from yourself.

 

Genetic Memory


Genetic Memory

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
– Hamlet (1.5.166-7), Hamlet to Horatio

2 Corinthians 12:3-4

New International Version (NIV)

And I know that this man—whether in the body or apart from the body I do not know, but God knows— was caught up to paradise and heard inexpressible things, things that no one is permitted to tell.

Lately I’ve been having some very odd spiritual experiences. They are akin to the TV program Quantum Leap where the guy leaps into another person’s body or even more personal like the protagonist in the Octavia Butler novel, Kindred. Mine is not quite that spectacular but it began last year with my mother’s spirit speaking through me to create a memoir for her. Even though my Mom has been deceased since 1998 it was like she and I were one flesh. The stimulus was a rather unpleasant family disagreement but that one trigger melded our spirits and I began to feel the emotions she had over 50 years ago concerning my Brother Stephen’s developmental disability. All the hurt, pain, sadness, anguish and depression she felt when she was unjustly accused of causing her beloved son’s autism surfaced within my spirit.

I just began to write and write over the course of the last 7 or 8 months. Then after finding out some interesting family history concerning my maternal grandmother again I began to experience her emotions. Then a few days ago when I was posted in the Civil War Photography exhibit at my museum, once more an ancestor’s thoughts and emotions came to me. My Great, Great Grandfather William Henry Halstead fought in the Civil War. There was a steady stream of visitors but everyone was quiet, calm, serious, deeply affected by what they were seeing. During the course of the day as I walked through the photographs taking everything in it was like I began to see through the eyes of my Great, Great Grandfather. I could hear the sounds of battle, the screams of pain from injured soldiers, feel his adrenaline as he surged forth with his 29th CT. Colored Regiment brothers. All I can say it was like I was in his head. I had to make an effort to turn off so I could finish my day without freaking out. Even now I feel he is still with me even though I never met him. Maybe this is genetic memory. All the memories of our ancestors stay with us though we are separated by time but not necessarily by eternity. As a writer it gives a different aspect and flavor to my writing but it is a very strange sensation and I don’t know what to make of this new development.

William H. Halstead name as inscribed on the Colored Soldiers Monument in Washington, DC
William H. Halstead name as inscribed on the Colored Soldiers Monument in Washington, DC

It happened last year as I was making a Family Photo collage for the Employee Art Show. It was as though family members long deceased most whom I never got the chance to meet were telling me where to place all the photos within the collage. Very strange.

Family Photo Collage
Ancestor Branches

I’m beginning to wonder if I’m some type of an Empath like on Star Trek.

Empaths have the ability to scan another’s psyche for thoughts and feelings or for past, present, and future life occurrences. Many empaths are unaware of how this actually works, and have long accepted that they were sensitive to others.

 

I posed my questions to the FB Black Ancestry page and received several intuitive responses.

“I’ve been chosen as a Portal by my family members who have passed on.

Some inanimate objects do have an impressed energy and will release to an open mind/spirit. Some good, some negative. In your case, the familiar of family to present themselves to you to share an understanding of who they were to help others in their journeys here.”

While in the Egyptian Wing of the museum I also felt a spiritual connection to this woman perhaps Queen Tiye whose face graces a canopic jar. Queen Tiye ~ Canopic Jar

William Henry Halstead Headstone ~ Sleepy Hollow
William Henry Halstead Headstone ~ Sleepy Hollow

The Battle scene I heard while in the Civil War Photography exhibit as described by one of my Great, Great Grandfathers fellow soldiers.   http://conn29th.org/stories.htm

Maybe my Great, great grandfather is trying to connect with me. Sometimes I wonder why he speaks to me. Also I never had experiences of this magnitude when I was younger. I did have visions between the ages of 4 and 5 but I never told my parents for fear they would think I was nuts. These visions began again after I turned 50. I’m 54 now. An odd age for the portal to reopen. Now I know why he waited nearly 150 years not just for me to make an appearance on this earth but he waited for “The One”.  The Anointed One who would be able to tell the stories of the ancestors and who could make Spiritual Consolation so their souls could be at rest. 

In December of 1863 my Great Great Grandfather, William Henry Halstead, who lived in Tarrytown, New York, traveled to New Haven, Connecticut to join the 29th Connecticut Colored Infantry. On his Volunteer Enlistment papers it notes his occupation as a farmer. He enlisted for three years and was discharged on the 24th day of October 1865. He married and had five children. William Henry Halstead passed away in 1888 and was buried in Sleepy Hollow Cemetery in Tarrytown, New York. His wife moved to New York City with her five children. Her children grew up in Harlem and belonged to various organizations such as Odd Fellows, Ladies of the Grand Army of the Republic and the Daughters of New York.

Sp4 Palmer, 569th PSC & 101st Airborne Division.

Deborah Ann Palmer U.S. Army 1977-1981
Deborah Ann Palmer
U.S. Army 1977-1981

I’m glad my spirit is open and that some family members have decided to reconnect through the veil of life and death to communicate with me. I would say that they don’t want to be forgotten by current and future generations. I am Chosen to tell their stories.

A Call to Witness — Suffering in the Midst of Healing


A Call to Witness

A Call to Witness is a ministry God revealed to me recently in the midst of my trials and tribulations. It is not geared to any one denomination or belief system but to all who hear the voice of God and desire to become closer to the Lord. In fact and in practice God has called me to reach out to those rejected or alienated by the church. A call to society’s unwanted.  We’ve all missed the mark and come short of the glory of God. I help you access some of His Earthly Glory. I seek not religion but a common ground amongst all the world’s races, nationalities, faiths, ethnic groups whose foundation is God.

Black Jesus
Jesus Christ

Suffering in the midst of healing

Job 19:25-27

New King James Version (NKJV)

25 For I know that my Redeemer lives,
And He shall stand at last on the earth;

26 And after my skin is destroyed, this I know,
That in my flesh I shall see God,

27 Whom I shall see for myself,
And my eyes shall behold, and not another.
How my heart yearns within me!

I Know my Redeemer Lives – Nicole C. Mullen

http://youtu.be/ATBLXyJxyTI

The first part of this teaching is dedicated to a close and dear friend at work whose son has been in the hospital for the last few months fighting for his life. The young man has also been diagnosed with MS. When my friend first told me his son was in a coma and on breathing apparatus my response to him was I will pray and if you need me no matter what time day or night call me. I also emailed him resources from the MS Society. Time passed and nearly our entire workplace banded together in prayer for our supervisor’s son. This young fellow is only in his 20s and the pride and joy of his father. Our supervisor is kind, gentle, fair, faithful and loving Christian man. Of course he was devastated that his boy was so ill. We his friends held him up in prayer, encouragement and support as Moses arms were held up in battle against the enemy.

God had already told me that the young man would live and not die. One day my buddy called me over to his desk and told me his son had opened his eyes. We rejoiced right there at the desk. But the fight is not yet over. The young man is awake, can recognize and grasp his Dad’s hands but cannot yet speak. So now our collective prayer is that the young man will regain his power of speech.

After I emailed my friend resources on the MS Society, I gave more thought as to why God allows sickness and death.  John 11:4 was part of the answer:

When he heard this, Jesus said, “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.”  Jesus was referring to Lazarus.

Also I thought of John 9: 1-5

John 9

A Man Born Blind Receives Sight
1 Now as Jesus passed by, He saw a man who was blind from birth. 2 And His disciples asked Him, saying, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”
3 Jesus answered, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but that the works of God should be revealed in him. 4 must work the works of Him who sent Me while it is day; the night is coming when no one can work. 5 As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”

Sickness, disability and even death revealed God’s mercy and compassion as we triumph over them. Sometimes we receive miraculous healing; sometimes we learn to live with a condition other times the Lord takes us or our Loved ones home to be with Him. His power is made manifest in the strength of the human spirit.

Healing is a process.

2 Kings 4:8-37

New International Version (NIV)

The Shunammite’s Son Restored to Life

2 Kings 4:8-37

The record of the daughter of Jairus is a combination of miracles of Jesus in the Gospels (Mark 5:21–43, Matthew 9:18–26, Luke 8:40–56).

The story immediately follows the exorcism at Gerasa. Jairus, a patron of the synagogue, asks Jesus to heal his dying daughter. However, according to Matthew, his daughter is already dead, not dying. As they travel to Jairus’s house, a sick woman in the crowd touches Jesus’ cloak and is healed of her sickness. This is called the miracle of Christ healing the bleeding woman.

Meanwhile the daughter dies, but Jesus continues to the house and brings her back to life, or in his own words, awakens her. In Mark’s account, the Aramaic phrase “Talitha Koum” (transliterated into Greek as ταλιθα κουμ and meaning, “Little girl, I say to you, get up!”) is attributed to Jesus.

John 5:4-8

New International Version (NIV)

5 One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. 6 When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”

7 “Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.”

8 Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.”

I find it interesting that Jesus asked this man, Do you want to be healed? Seems like an odd question since Jesus already knew his condition. Was Jesus questioning the man’s faith? No I don’t believe so because the man had a portion of faith to be close to where the angel troubled the waters. More than likely the man suffered from paralysis and needed friends to assist him. Jesus chose that particular man because he lacked a support system. He needed a friend. Jesus ever merciful and compassionate became that friend. No more did the man have to hope each time that he saw the angel that the people surrounding him would carry him to the troubled water.

Jesus became the Bridge Over Troubled Water. Jesus the conduit between the sickness and the cure. Jesus the Bridge over Troubled Water who lay down his life for us. Our companion in suffering, death and resurrection.

Holy Week Reflections on the Love Poem of Solomon and Queen Sheba


Thoughts on Love, Romance and the Song of Solomon

The Inspired Word of God written by man.

As February and Valentine’s Day 2011 came to a close a few months ago my thoughts brought me to the Old Testament book, the Song of Solomon.  Why would erotica be part of the Old Testament canon? But the Song of Solomon is more than just erotica; it is a love poem, a testament to love, desire and sexual passion between a Black man and a Black woman. However the Song of Solomon transcends race and/or ethnic group.

The Song of Solomon almost did not make it into the Biblical canon.  However its inclusion proves that spirituality and human sexuality can co-exist. It puts to rest many theologians prudish or restrictive claims of sex defined in terms of sin or lust.  The joining together of man and woman in erotic love or pleasure is pleasing to God and is one of the highest forms of praise to our Creator.

Most Christians have been taught that this book is an allegory, a representation of Christ and the church, which could be one interpretation, after all I’m no Bible scholar, and for me the sensual descriptions of the lover’s bodies reveal its true nature.  There are many reflections or mirrors in which to view the verses.  Yes most for Believers, Jesus is the ultimate Lover of our Souls and Spirits.  Truly Jesus love for his followers shows him as the embodiment of his redemptive names, the Lily of the Valley, and the Rose of Sharon, our Bright and shining Star, our Balm in Gilead.  Jesus, the various worldwide prophets who laid the pathway before him and those who came after each singularly expressed God’s love for all his creation.

The lyrical verses found in the Song of Solomon celebrate romantic love.  The way her face, breasts and stomach are captured in vivid detail by the Beloved leans more towards Eros than agape.  The Song of Solomon is the longing of two lovers separated, yet joined desperately seeking to be physical reunited to once again ignite the flame of fervor, and quench the fires sexual craving between them.

In my mind the lovers are King Solomon and the Queen of Sheba who visited Solomon to inquire of his wisdom and as the story is sometime told, the two became lovers, their lovemaking resulting in the birth of a son once Sheba returned to Ethiopia. Yes we all know that Solomon had many wives and concubines, too numerous to count, however Sheba was different.

The Queen Sheba of Ethiopia was intellectual equal, one who not only desired wisdom but was able to communicate the wisdom, knowledge and understanding of her people, her culture to this Hebrew King, thus she became the desire of his heart.  Two minds on the same plane, not jockeying for position, become one.  When a man meets the feminine version of himself he seeks to unite bringing together one side of his mind with the other.  Solomon’s greatest error was in allowing distance and time to come between him and the woman God meant for him to reign with in this life.  Imagine how history would have been changed if these two great leaders had joined energies.  What a mighty force two people, one flesh to contend with!

Unchained Melody

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-idDbIfGvw

 

Beauty of the English Language


Beauty of the English Language

I’m a Lover of the English Language. I Love it because of all of its quirks, idiosyncrasies, and eccentricities.

When I was in college The Elements of Style by Strunk & White, plus The Little, Brown Handbook were my best friends. Now the dictionary is my best friend. I’m constantly looking up the proper spelling and definition of words. Yes, when I write I’m constantly editing my work for spelling, punctuation and grammar. The only time I let certain things slip is when I want to create an effect within my poems. With poetry I can be flexible.

The grammar and punctuation lessons from my online writers group excite me. That’s because the English language is dynamic and mercurial. It’s a composite of Latin roots and American English has incorporated words from every ethnic group to settle these shores in addition to words from our Native American sisters and brothers. English has an ebb and flow like the Oceans and opens its arms to embrace and adopt new words that keep it a living language.

I receive thrills and chills when I read Shakespeare or the King James Version of the Bible. For me the KJV has a beauty, flow, cadence and rhythm that the NIV or the Amplified will never have. The scriptures just sound better they way there were written in 1611. Shakespeare. What can I say about him? For me he is the master. The dialogue and soliloquies from Hamlet just trip off my tongue. Out of all his plays Hamlet is my all time favorite.

My parents especially my father Edward Palmer always demanded that I speak proper English both inside and outside our home. Reading was heavily encouraged in my home and my parents regularly purchased books, children’s magazines and had me reading the New York Times at an early age. This was great when I was around my family, however growing up and even as an adult I was accused of “talking white” by my fellow African-Americans! I learned to ignore these gibes especially as I got older and saw the benefits of being articulate. My young cousins know that Cousin DeBorah will correct their speech and their homework if I hear or see them brutalizing the language. I cringe when I walk down Jamaica Avenue, Guy Brewer or Baisley boulevards and I hear young people misusing English. I’m not speaking of slang because every generation had that. Also every ethnic group has its own little axioms or gems of wisdom for getting their point across, I mean when I hear young people use “axe” for ask. Are they about to kill someone? Maybe.

I fully recognize usage of regional slave speech by Paul Laurence Dunbar and dialects such patois, the Creole of the Gullah/geechee people of South Carolina and Georgia. Dialects have their place as they serve to unify regions and social groups. My beloved late Mom was from Dayton, Ohio and until I entered elementary school I never realized that some of the words she used were Midwestern slang and not necessarily acceptable outside of our home. I did find something very interesting when I traveled to Kingston, Jamaica in the late 80s early 90s. Some of the words I heard my mother use every day at home were also being used in Jamaica. Just a different accent.

However dialects and slang not withstanding there is no excuse for poor English usage written or spoken by native-born Americans. Ebonics and/or Black English do not exist for me. I might resort to the vernacular in the “hood” but when I’m out within the greater society proper English is not only essential it’s mandatory.

Of course, my English is not perfect. In fact I’m always a work in progress which is the main reason my desk is a mess. I always need many reference books at hand to complete just one page of work! One day maybe all the various rules and regulations that govern English will just come to mind automatically instead of my always having to look things up. Pray for me y’all!! LOL!!

SPELL

Last year I was part of an English Language association called Society for the Preservation of English Language and Literature. Their motto is “Binding Together Lovers of Our Language”. If anyone is interested in joining the address is:

Post Office Box 321

Braselton, GA 30517

E-mail: spellgang@juno.com

Website: www.spellorg.com

 The newsletter SPELL/Binder features many articles on Punctuation and Grammar, Pet Peeves, plus Novelists No-Nos, as well as articles on how the mother tongue is being murdered via the media. It is a very interesting publication.