I Look to You……
This song always makes me cry. I can relate to every word.
Like Whitney Houston I’ve had my share of defeats and failures. So many challenges. And despite the beating Whitney Houston took in the press. I believe that the Lord called her home and she and her daughter are with Jesus. For God is Merciful.
For years after my mother died I became a prescription drug addict. This was before the State of New York enacted stricter laws on how prescription medications could be dispensed. At the time I began receiving treatment from my then psychiatrist doctors used paper prescription pads. In essence anti-depressants were given out like you give M&Ms or Skittles to kids. Now everything is done by computer and your doctor electronically sends the prescription to your designated pharmacy.
But between 1999 the year after my Mom passed away until 2007 when I couldn’t get anymore pills because I was jobless and without health insurance, for all intents and purposes I was a functioning Prescription Pill head. I went to work, school and church probably high on some type of antidepressant or anti-psychotic medication.
Between 2008 and 2016 I was often a guest at various hospitals within New York City which desperately tried to reignite and renew the ties the chains of prescription addiction but my friends alerted to my plight plus the realization that I did not want to return to bondage quickly and efficiently severed and burned those shackles which no longer had a hold on me .
Whitney was Elegance and Grace. A Woman with the Voice of an Angel who sadly made some bad choices and was devoured by addictions that she could not overcome. However now she is in the Heavenly Choir
I Look to Jesus and The Author and Finisher of my Faith for all have erred and fallen short of the Glory of God.
For I am that Broken Cupid’s Arrow. I am that missed mark. Perfection is not found in me and never will be. I am God’s Poem and Artwork in progress. Sometime raunchy. Sometimes Snarky and in judgment of errors I see in others. Errors that often reflect my self judgment or self worth. Am I them? Are they me?
Sometimes on Fire. Sometimes a Burning Heart against destruction, discrimination, bullying, betrayal and deceit. Always human.
Forgiveness in Process and Form
The Journey of Forgiveness
Forgiveness Ministry challenges me. It makes me think. I ponder all aspects of forgiveness and why I think the way I do especially with family relationships. I spend lots of time listening to Gospel Music, praying and asking God/Spirit to help me. Forgiveness is a Journey that only by listening to my inner voice. Those feelings and emotions can I hopefully release some of the baggage that has troubled me over many years.
However I must be truthful and honest with my words, actions, emotions and feelings.
I think that Forgiveness is a process depending on who and what hurt you in the first place. I find it easier to forgive non-family members because chances are you’ll never see those people again. Years of separation often makes you forget why you were angry with them in the first place.
Family relationships on the other hand go deep with emotional threads that cannot be unwoven. And sometimes those ties must be cut completely in order to move forward and move on.
Despite a somewhat rocky relationship with my mother I was able to forgive her because we achieved an understanding. For the last three 3 years of my Mom’s life were became very close. Her death was a great blow to me but Love overcame hurt and pain. Maybe because my desire to Love and be Loved by my Mom was so important to me. Realizing that my Mother always Loved me but the schizophrenia and alcoholism often caused us to clash. However time and perspective changes things. Like my mother I began dealing with mental issues, depression, bi-polar, PTSD as a young adult. I’ve been in and out of psychiatric wards, on various drugs and pills, spent time on the mental ward so I understood that my Mom and I have parallel stories. I am bone of her bone and flesh of her flesh. She is me and I am she in so many ways and on so many levels. Even though my Mom has been dead for 20 twenty years in a lot of ways I feel I’ve gotten closer to her because of share stories as well as shared bloodlines.
Now my non-relationship with my paternal cousins well mentally I know that I should forgive them but due to deep seating hurt, pain and betrayal we will never again be close nor will we ever be reconciled to each other. I think in the six years that have passed I’ve become less angry because basically those particular cousins are drug addicted ex-cons who have worse problems than Stephen and I will ever have. After a while they have become non-entities. They no longer figure into the equation.
I think because the past situation escalated to violence and getting the police involved its best that we went our separate ways and hopefully neither Stephen or I will ever have to interact with this branch of the family again. There will never be resolution and Stephen and I will forever be estranged from our sociopath/psychopath family members which in the light of day is a good thing. I don’t hate them but due to their violent and manipulative behaviors that’s a cord that I cut so Stephen and I could have a good life.
Sometimes the best you can hope for is not to hate the person. They are in God’s hands and may they receive the emotional and psychological healing they need.
Sometimes Walking Away and Severing the Relationship is the best policy. God/Universe/Spirit removes people from you life for a purpose.
For the Lord will deliver Jacob and redeem them from the hand of those stronger than they. … Then young women will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.” Jeremiah 31:11, 13 (NIV)