Impolite Spaces


 

From the “Street Art Utopia” website

“Street Art Utopia” website Spoof of the Gleaners by Millet

 

In this Go-Go World of being your Personal Best, working out, exercising on a daily basis, winning on all accounts being Super Woman when all you want to do is crawl into your bed and sleep My world has gone slowly. Especially as I’ve gotten older. Whether you want to or not your world slows down as you age. Your body changes and things you did with ease while in your 20s, 30s & early 40s are difficult and in some cases impossible.

Forget the 100%, Lean-in, and all the other bullshit of supposed non-stop success. Of course I have hopes, dreams and goals but there is also reality. The reality of work. Having a job that takes up most of my life whether I like it or not. Being that I’m not rich, wealthy or filled with resources I’ve made peace with the fact that more than likely many of the things I wish to accomplish will never come true.  I can live with that.

Also I hate being “On” 24/7/365. Why should I put on a false face to people who are supposed to be my friends.  If I can’t be real with you well Fuck it and why bother.

But there is satisfaction in accepting Life as it is. I no longer have the desire to knock myself out or Go Hard as they say in Brooklyn.  As much as Quitting and Giving Up is maligned in the last few months I’ve given up a whole lot of things. Mostly other people expectations of what my Life should be.  People don’t like the words I can’t but I’m not one to continue Living a Lie saying I can do things that I know I can’t do. Also Life is short. Why waste it on unattainable goals.

Recently a woman who I once considered a friend, someone to whom I had poured my heart out to about my challenges, the abuse I had suffered as a young woman, my history of domestic violence, my physical and emotional challenges just negated everything I had to say. She kept saying that I could be an Inspiration to other Women, that I was Chosen. If I had any of this hidden potential I would not have been hospitalized for two weeks last year, I would not be sick or in pain 90% of the time and I’d be financially independent instead of in the hole scrapping together coins in hopes of making it through the next week.  Being her friend was like banging my head against a brick wall and wondering why I had a headache.

Well needless to say after I realized that she had an Agenda about what my Life should be she has been downgraded to acquaintance. We don’t speak except to say Hello or Good Morning. I’m not nor do I want to be an inspiration to anyone male or female and No I’m not Chosen by God or any other entity to do something special. I’m not special or unique.

Slowly I’ve lost faith with friendships, expectations and relationships in general. Major reason I stay to myself. Trust erodes so easily.

I’m just and all I ever want to be is a regular person trying to live my life. The only person I’m dedicated to is my brother Stephen. The only reason I’m on this planet is to give Stephen the best Life possible. He is my motivation for Life. As for anyone else I owe them nothing. Let me make it plain. I don’t owe you jack-shit!!

I stopped being on a Mission to please other people. Whether I author a book, have a photography show, maybe. Maybe not. If it’s meant to be it will happen and things will fall into place. I’m no longer disappointed because I realize that some dreams remain that. Just dreams.

I unsubscribed from all the Life Hacks. Life Coaches. So-called therapists. Non-stop 12 Steps to Happiness plans. What you need to do or be to succeed. And all the other bullshit I see coursing across the Internet. These jerks are not living in my world, walking in my shoes nor do the know, contemplate or even begin to understand my story or my song. Not that I care what they think because basically all that they say goes in one ear and out the other. I’ve stopped listening. I leave the Rah. Rah. Rah. Life to the younger set. I’m tired.

I’m done with people telling me what to do or how to live my life. Get lost. Unless your life is perfect why should I listen to you?!

Who knows? Maybe in ten years if I’m still alive I’ll be walking along a deserted beach somewhere kicking cans and rocks along the sand satisfied.

In the meantime back to bed.

Talk to the Hand cause the Face ain’t Listening!!

 

Whodini- Friends

12 thoughts on “Impolite Spaces

  1. I have been feeling this too. I always looked outside for validation. Now I don’t want to hear what people think. I don’t care anymore, finally. I want to live however I decide from one day to the next. blessing, in lak’ech, Debra

  2. Banging my head against the wall
    Wondering why I have a headache
    What a line
    I know the circumstances
    But it sounds to me like you’ve more on
    Good for you
    Fuvkin if they can’t take a joke
    Great post
    Excellent work
    The Provoker

  3. This is the raw and honest truth for many of us my friend. I am in my late forties and it is what it is.
    Either you’re with it or you’re not.
    I gots no time to try to convert folks and they damn shole ain’t gonna convert me!
    By the way, your decision to add that piece from “Street Art Utopia” was a stoke of genius!
    I laughed waaaaaay too loud when I saw that 🙂
    Great post!

    1. Thank you! The last two months I’ve had to make it plain to a certain person that I am not a “Project.” Sadly many people think Friendship is about making others into a fix-it project. Like other people need repair. Which means I’m not good enough as I am. After a while I refused to go along with her program. It was a difficult choice that had to be made for my own good. Everybody has to live their own lives for them not any body else. Once again Many Thanks for reading and commenting.

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