Warning: For those of you who have been raped, went through Domestic Violence, sodomized or sexually assaulted Please Do Not Read this Post as it most likely continues Triggers. I have survived all those events but to this day I still experience sights, smells, words that set me off in the wrong direction.
Swords, needles, Lance, shattered glass, Knaves with Knives pierced my heart. For the one who pinned me to the wall with gnashing fanged teeth. They made me bleed but my life essence flowed into the ground and back up through and into my feet roots.
Many times I feel I’ve been banished to the Island of Misfit toys. Long ago in a far away land I was embedded in the fog, haze and mist of various “Happy Pills.” But I escaped. They tried to recapture me last year but once again the Warrior in me arose and I beat down my foes and thus a better life was reborn.
They tell me to forgive you. As though I were at fault.
They tell me that unless I forgive you burning coals will singe my soul. Forgiveness is for me. It will help heal my soul.
Yet I feel nothing. No pressure to forgive. No reason to forgive. No need to forgive. No guilt or shame. Because I feel nothing. Nothing for him. Nothing for all the hims that brutally attacked me. Why?! Because you, him, All the Hims have been banished, dismissed.
Those hims taught me how. Especially the one who raped me. The one who now wears the backward collar. Who leads unsuspecting congregations in Praise & Worship. Church. How convenient. The perfect place to find more victims. Women. Some willing. Carried along by a sacred oratory little knowing the ugly demon that lurks within. But I know. You come as an Angel of Light but I know who you really are. Hell is reserved for the devil and his angels. Your place in Hades awaits you.
The Persuaders – Thin Line between Love & Hate – Video (High Quality)
My heart has gone prehistoric stone implements. Flint knives now glisten in my eyes. How not to feel. How to dismiss who no longer is necessary yet keep the lessons for the future. How to dispatch with a cold ease. Victory!
I’M STILL HERE!!
To awaken a side of me that can put my abusers into compartments. Jails. I will never forget what they did. How they changed my life. Little did they know how my life has changed for the better. I don’t need to forgive for I am not at fault. And they. They shall receive due judgment from the Creator of All Life and I. I will sit back and smile.
My Salvation, Forgiveness and Redemption Belong Only to Me!
It’s a risk to admit you’re broken and possibly beaten or just plain tired and hurting inside.
Risky to say you hurt both physically and emotionally because then the Pharisees and Sadducees appear with knives, razors and spears ready to slash you because you’re not the image or the person they want you to be.
Crying and tears are considered character flaws.
Once you fall out of the House of Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm in essence you’re Fucked! Already down on your luck scavengers come to pick at your last bits of self-worth beating you down further than you already are.
Let’s be truthfully, Life is a Roller-coaster Ride. You slowly inch up higher and higher then drop quickly to precipitous lows. But once you get down in that valley here come the Happy Police demanding for you to get out. Comparing you to others who are 25-30 years younger with circumstances unlike my own. They want you to live lie. Be a fake or a phony. Being Sensitive is a crime. For me there is no refuge or sanctuary just rejection. Justice is sentencing to a lifetime in Social Media Wasteland. A judgement and sentence I refuse to accept.
Seems these people never remember the times they were down and out. When someone reached out to them with kindness and compassion instead of criticism and judgement. But for me the prescribed remedy is to rip the scabs off my scars yet still expect healing. I’m a Stigma, a failure because I’m not running through fields of tall grass and flowers singing tunes from the Sound of Music.
Even Jesus had to get away from clinging needy people with their hands out always wanting his miracles but not his teaching. Jesus went up to a mountain or to a desert place all the while knowing his disciples, his friends would desert and betray him. Yup they threw the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords under the bus. In these Techie days folks just label you a Social Media Loser.
But he embraced his broken places but not their false expectations and I will do the same. If you only accept me in my happy up times but not in my broken sad times why say you’re my friend at all? Unfortunate to say, But there exists no Love or Respect for Broken Angels.
Youth said “Dreams Never Die.” Twenty years passed then Recession kicked in. New Realities were born. Twelve hour workdays became the norm.
Like a drowning man Dreams surfaced again and again only to plummet down to the watery deep. All the while knocking at 1% door watching them through one-sided window laugh, play, drink and party with no thought for the ‘Morrow’. We the unseen only imagining free time for our dreams.
Dreams that must wait until Social Security beckons if death does not reach us first. Fore bread, water, warm clothes and a place to live cry louder. Goodnight Sweet Dreams. May you one day resurrect to a New Dawn.
Surrounded by a plethora of people who seemed to surface like bloated corpses after spring thaw. Worker bees we are all meaningless specks of dust being recklessly scattered by blustery winds. Modern day Robber Barons throw battle weary soldiers back into the battle while they sit sipping tea in Ivory Towers. Thirty-seven years a professional, now placating rot breath Sabbath suits long in tooth, visions of Mammy dancing in their heads. Limestone Liver spotted wrinkled bone bags befoul the air with endless demands. Dontcha know Miz Daisy learned to drive herself and the Help all went to the French Rivera.
I am Hagar cast out of my prosperous household, denied by the Master and Mistress I once served. Thrown out of my protectors’ house my Dream-child and I await Our Avenging Angel of Salvation.
My Dreams now dead buried under work obligations, mountains of rules and regulations that I seem to constantly violate just by being. No miracles exist for me. Only years of mindless drudgery ahead. Millennial Overseers govern my every move with their remote control mind games. Freedom lies dormant within my imagination. My brain has been put out to pasture because intelligence is not needed or wanted and creativity has become a sin. Automaton Me clad in nondescript dull uniform easily replaceable by the next set of hungry hands yearning for the pence dispensed from the rich mans table. Hey!! Who’s next up on the Auction Block?!! Come lock step into the Plantation Mausoleum filled with objects which are valued more than drones who guard them. We be Aliens in our own Land. Serfs never reaping a hard earned Harvest.
Yet soon a New Day will Dawn, Dreams will bear fruit and Visions be reborn.
He looked like an Angel albeit a broken Angel splayed out on the cold marble floor. His head at angles with his twisted body along with his staring unseeing eyes extinguished any hope that the embers of life still burned within him. The earth came up to meet him and swallowed him into the heavens. The Benjamins make a poor parachute.
Baby Boy Got $200 sneakers as a reward for cussing the teachers and failing in school. Teacher or principals fault. Grades all F but it ain’t me you fucked up can’t you see! School’s for Fools. Some place I don’t want to be.
Baby Boy he never wrong. They got it all mixed up seeing me strong. Y’all know I’m the King of my crew. God’s Gift to everything.
But in the back of your head all you can see is yo’ no count Daddy, welfare system and crackhead Momma staring back in the mirror saying you gonna be like me.
Hanging out in the upper class nabe with my hoodrat crew. See a few things I wanna take. Wait a minute! What’s that I hear! A siren in back of me. Starting to fear. Next thing I’m on Lock down in Juvie Hall. Where my crew at now when as I’m taking this fall.
Baby boy lying in a ditch. Worse off than being a Snitch. Off to Rikers’ to be somebody’s Bitch. Baby Boy. You Done. You Done.
His rhymes had got him to the big time. Opened new doors of upper class vice and sin. The immoralities of the 1%. I gazed at my son from the balcony of one of the greatest art institutions in the city seeing not the young man who had entered the 27 Club of the Immortals but every little boy running up and down Linden Blvd., Jamaica Avenue, Fulton Street or Sedgwick Avenue running to be the next 50 cent or Jay-Z finding fame and winding up on 27 Jump Street misjudging the doubles lives one foot in the hood and the other on Central Park West or the Upper East Side seeking Hipster fame and validation.
Jump my Son/Sun. Jump out of your dreams and into Eternity.