My Battle Scars are Talking


Sleep No More 4ever

Raw and Uncut

As some of you may already know I work a brutal work schedule. I work as a nighttime museum security guard therefore I’m awake when most people are asleep. Plus one cannot live on the base salary therefore I must pull double shifts. For example I went to work Wednesday did a double shift came home, got a call that my brother Stephen who has Autism has an eye infection for which he is being treated, naturally I worry. Then off to work for Thursday, get home around 2:00 am which means I did not sleep for 48 hours straight. I crashed around 3 am last this morning and got up at 12 noon.

My work week started out well then by Wednesday I had a confrontation with the museum village idiot which escalated into me demanding that the union rep speak with him otherwise there will be an episode of Snapped inside the museum. This guy is known to disrespect women staff, he has been reprimanded countless times, and also been suspended numerous times yet he continues in his boneheaded behavior. Everyone else is nice, does their job, respects others, cooperates but he remains and reigns as the lone shithead for the late shift.

My current location which I will refer to as the Annex is much better than the Main Building where a few years ago a crazed male co-worker pinned me up against the wall in the galleries all the while threatening me as my co-workers watched as to whether or not he would choke the life out of me. I got him off me. Won’t say what I did but you can see it worked as I’m here writing this blog today.

A Little Background on Me

When I was a kid because I was so skinny I was always getting beat up. The other kids would constantly make fun of me. I’d cry at the drop of a hat. I was namby pamby, a wuss always apologizing and trying to get people to like me. Pretty much all the other kids punching bag.

At least once my Mom who was only 4′ 11′ weighing 95 lbs had to give an older boy who was stealing my lunch when I was walking to the school bus stop an upper cut. Being that my Mom was short he thought she was just another kid until his lights got punched out. Mom hit that boy so hard I’m sure he saw stars. When he said he was gonna get his Mama my mother said go get your mother and I’ll whup her ass too. Needless to say my Mom introduced him to the expression, “Don’t Sleep on the Size.”  My parents taught me to stand up for myself, don’t allow other people to take advantage of you and that I am not a door mat for other folks dirty shoes.

It took a long time for the lessons to sink in. When I was 19 I was raped. I never told anyone nor did I report the sexual assault as I felt it was my fault and in those days nobody knew or discussed date rape. Even after years of therapy, various pills and being hospitalized I refused to speak about what happened to me or the details as talking about it won’t make things go away nor can it change the past. All I will say is that the guy who raped me went on to become a preacher. I know because I met him 20 years later and he actually had the nerve and audacity to suggest that we get together while we were standing in God’s House?!! Go figure.

Before I left high school some kid pushed me down a flight of stairs however by that time I had already enlisted in the military. That four years in the US Army taught me how to defend myself not only in terms of training but like any other school or workplace there are nuts, kooks and morons in there also.

I remember I had a room-mate who was selling drugs out of our room. She was a real roughneck you know the kind, a grown up bully. She used to threaten me and I would wander around the post for hours afraid to return to my room. Finally I had to take action. I slept with a baseball bat beside my bed because if the bitch tried something in the nighttime I would beat her ass bloody. I also reported her and she was probably imprisoned at either Mannheim or sent to Ft. Leavenworth which are both military prisons.

Time passed and sadly both my beloved parents passed away. I was vulnerable and some of the women who worked in the same office felt I needed male companionship. I was lonely and allowed myself to be set-up. Set up for a fall. Little did I know that the man I committed my life to for seven years would signal my downfall physically, emotionally and psychologically.  As the song title says Love is a Battlefield but at that time I was the loser. I won’t go into the ugly details of the relationship but suffice to say that my Exe– was a Sociopath and a Narcissist.  When he finally dumped me Thanksgiving Day 2007 I was physically free but abuse affected my personality in so many ways. For a long time I suffered badly from anxiety and panic attacks. To this day I still have triggers and parts of me that will never be healed and believe me I’ve tried everything out there.

However I did make a vow to myself that I would never ever allow a man to talk to me like dirt, take advantage of me or use and abuse me in any way. Naturally the Universe heard me and after being unemployed for all of 2007 I got in job in museum security at a workplace that has a track record of abuse, sexual harassment, mistreatment of women for years. At the time I did not know this but believe me I found out quick, fast and in a hurry. Working as a museum security guard not only do you deal with the general public many of whom are abrasive, racist, sexist (since the visiting public is mostly white I’ve been called everything but a child or God including a Nigger Bitch) etc…. but male co-workers who think that they have a right to your body.

I stayed because truthfully once you celebrate that 50th birthday you become invisible to prospective employers. Believe me I tried to leave via sending out resumes, networking and going on job interviews but leaving was not in the Creators plan for my life. I read on the AARP website that the unemployment rate for Americans over 50 is extremely high. Also a fact of life being in your 50s is when most diseases like high blood, pressure and diabetes set in. Since mine is a union job I need those benefits. I won’t be at my workplace too long as next year I’m eligible for retirement.

I can’t totally explain it but something inside me rose up. Like the line from the movie Network, “I’m as mad as hell and I’m not gonna take it anymore.”  By the time I was 50 all the years of abuse, harassment and violence that I experienced brought out that other side that was lurking there all along. I hear a lot about forgiveness and renewing relationships, being nice, acting like a Lady, etc…  Oh you should not be angry. You need to forgive that person even when that person is toxic.  I don’t listen to any of those people. If you step to me I will defend myself even if that means you get hurt physically. You want forgiveness? Why? What for?

We see those people on TV all the time after they’ve ruined countless lives they suddenly have a “Come to Jesus” moment. Look buddy Jesus was not lost but you were and all the fake tears and cries for forgiveness mean nothing. God knows you at your core. Look at what happened to most of those shady phony Televangelists from the 1980s and 1990s. Where are they now? Either dead or defrocked. Some even went to prison for defrauding the flock.

And then there are the so-called Christians who believe they can positive think their way out of life or that everyone should subscribe to there twisted belief systems. I can see that on my comments and there will probably be some fool who will write me a diatribe or manifesto of how they conquered anger…Blah…Blah….Blah  The ones who pull Jesus and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. out of their hats as to why other people usually people of color, Women, the disabled, etc… should continue to endure abuse, humiliation, racism, bigotry and discrimination.

Blah….Blah…Blah… Bullshit

We must embrace our poor demented twisted sisters and brothers as they rape, pillage and destroy our village/town. Let’s Welcome our enemies as they deny us the right to live and prosper. Well while you are kissing the oppressors ring I’ll be there kicking their ass. I’ll be the Warrior. You can be the sucker. Your choice.

Rise up and Fight Back!!

There are some Women Warriors in the Bible. My namesake DeBorah, Judith Beheading Holofernes, as well as Women who throughout history stood up for their people and the right to exist and be Free from tyranny and oppression. 

Nzinga of Ndongo and Matamba

 

Queen Anna Nzinga, also known as Njinga Mbande or Ana de Sousa Nzinga Mbande, was a 17th-century queen of the Ndongo and Matamba Kingdoms of the Mbundu people in Angola. Wikipedia

 

 

Born: 1583, Angola

 

Died: December 17, 1663, Kingdom of Matamba

 

 

 

 

Yaa Asantewaa

 

Yaa Asantewaa was queen mother of Ejisu in the Ashanti Empire – now part of modern-day Ghana, appointed by her brother Nana Akwasi Afrane Okpese, the Ejisuhene, or ruler, of Ejisu.
  • Boudica

 

Boudica or Boudicca was a queen of the British Celtic Iceni tribe who led an uprising against the occupying forces of the Roman Empire in AD 60 or 61, and died shortly after its failure

 

You can’t go around being afraid of people. You can’t allow people to intimidate you. I do believe in God, the Bible and prayer but there are times when as a Woman you must defend yourself. Nobody is going to come to your rescue and many times they will desert you. Yes I admit to having a temper and using salty language but that’s all the assholes understand. I’m not trying to forgive them or understand their behavior. I’m trying to live my life peacefully but if you get in my face I will show you my Warrior side and you will regret messing with me.

Other peoples opinions about my language, behavior or personal stances mean nothing to me. Like my Dad used to say, “An opinion is like an asshole. Everybody’s got one.”

I don’t let people should on me. You tell me some fantasy life you have has no impact on how I go about my life.  Many have tried to guilt or shame me into changing and lost the battle. I will listen politely to what they say then go ahead and do what I was gonna do in the first place.

I ain’t got time for bullshit and nonsense. I’m at the age when I don’t give a damn.

 

My horns are holding up my halo and I remain forever unashamed.

28 thoughts on “My Battle Scars are Talking

    1. Thank you. At my age I’m truthful, blunt and to the point. No reason to hide and I’m definitely not a people pleaser. Much gratitude and appreciation for reading! ❤

  1. My Dear You have said your Life. It means a lot. I respect your actions and attitude, it is much needed under the circumstances. The title you have given is apt and right. My salutations.
    If not fully I can know at least a little the feelings and agony you under went. It is not any sympathy I express but rather I got the opportunity to know how life undergoes.
    You have had it. Enough is enough. You are now on the verge for the best of life and you now know what to choose. I wish You all the very Best. The Scars have talked enough.
    Fond Regards
    Shiva

    1. Thanks Shiva for your encouragement. You have God’s heart, wisdom and understanding. I still have at least a year or maybe two until retirement and who knows what will happen in that time period but I trust God no matter what. My faith is in the Lord because God has the final say.

      1. Oh My Dear! You are a brave woman and you set an example, so be free of any dilemma. You have full faith in Him and everything is going to be right, he shall lead you to the right path and He knows how much trouble to give whom. I am sure some miracle is going to happen, you shall see and experience it.
        Thanks for the good words about me.
        Fond Regards,
        Shiva

      2. I’ve been praying even more and reading the Bible even more. No matter what happens I put my total faith and trust in God. Even if there is not justice in this world I know my Heavenly reward awaits me. Some day I shall be in Paradise reunited with Loved ones and the cares, trials and tribulations of this Life will be far behind me.

  2. I really enjoyed your post! I’m sitting here at my desk with watery eyes! I believe in Jesus and prayer too, no buts about it, yet I didn’t think he wanted me to be stupid about a stupid relationship I was in. I should have taken your bat and beat him out of my life! Thank you for sharing, thoroughly enjoyed 😀

    1. Amen Sister!! We go through but I chose not to make pit stops in agony. Even with all that has happened to me I trust God. I believe in the book of Job at one point Job says, “Though he slay me yet will I trust him.” Not the God is out to kill us far from that but we live in a evil wicked fallen world. We all have free choice no matter what religion you are however I’m not gonna cosign to bad behavior, evil or wickedness. I also admit to not being perfect but God knows we cannot be perfect. All emotions are valid as long as you don’t hurt, slander, or abuse another human being or animals. Thank you for reading.

    1. As of yesterday his Group Home Residence Manager says that he must get eye drops into the infected eye 4 times a day meaning that he cannot go to his Day Treatment program but the staff take him out to the parks, malls, walking exercise, stores, etc.. so that he does not get bored. Today it is raining in New York and I know they have indoor activities planned. Even as a child Stephen was always stoic and had a high threshold for pain. He’s the only person I know who enjoyed going to the dentist to get his teeth pulled!!

      One day our Mom called us to the dinner table and suddenly we heard crash, bang boom!! To our horror Stephen had fallen down the steps. Did he flinch? NO. Stephen got up, brushed himself off and calmly ate his dinner. Mom and I were stunned. He does have some fears just like any other human being but as long as I am there or a staff person from the House he knows he has someone to lean on.

      1. Thanks Please keep me in prayer as I have been battling an itchy rash that spread from my arms to my legs, back and buttocks. Could be I need to change detergents or just plain old stress. Thank you and much appreciation for you and Nate. Saw the swimming video. I know that Stephen’s Group Home takes him to the local YMCA but I have never actually seen him swim since this activity takes place during my work hours. 🙂

  3. “My horns are holding up my halo and I remain forever unashamed.”

    Your power has confirm for me once again that getting older brings wisdom and clarity. I was laughing hard at first as I read about your employment battles and your Mom coming your rescue. Then I felt a connection with you as I read further.

    As I write this comment, I wondered how much more of my power I could have held onto if only I had someone as powerful as you showing me how to Rise up and Fight Back! Well, like you stated we cannot change the past and in the end, who would we be if not for the past teaching us how to be the warriors we are today.

    You are amazing and thank you for sharing.

    1. Thanks for reading and sharing in my journey through the jungles of life. Today is a new day and I hope every Woman when need be will take up her sword and fight. I have not always been brave or filled with courage and sometimes I still cry in the dark alone and afraid but like the Phoenix I rise from my ashes of despair and move forward with life. Sometimes I wonder What if? What if I had not made certain decisions but everything happens for a reason and perhaps we were not ready at that point to put on our armor or carry the sword. It takes time and life is a learning experience. Another thing My Dad said to me was to not Second Guess Myself. Then I did not understand but with time and age came understanding.

      Sending you Grace, Peace & Blessings! ❤

  4. That was so inspiring… I can relate on so many levels. I’ve also been in security field for over 9 years, it could be rough Sometimes …. I hope you don’t mind but my new motto is” I am not a doormat for others dirty shoes” ✊

    1. Thanks. Glad you stopped by to read and comment. Happy for your feedback. Feel free to share the Motto as I borrowed it from a Meme I saw on either Facebook or Instagram. 🙂 😀 ❤

      Grace and Peace to you!!

  5. DeBorah–I feel so empowered reading this post. Stick it out–next year will be here before you know it. Retirement sounds good to me!

    1. Thanks. Next year I’m eligible but let’s see what the financial planner tells me and I must find out how much I will get a month before I make my decision otherwise I might have to stay on the job longer.

      1. I would love to retire next year, too, but Medicare leaves a lot to be desired. I have good insurance at work, but I don’t want to work forever!

      2. On that part I’m covered since I’m a Union Employee DC 37 after I complete ten years I can take both my medical and dental insurance with me. So I will have full coverage. I hear a lot of complaints about Medicare especially what it does not cover. I still have a while before I reach age 65 and hopefully I will be healthy and not have to use it except for regular check ups.

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