Sleep No More 4ever
Raw and Uncut
As some of you may already know I work a brutal work schedule. I work as a nighttime museum security guard therefore I’m awake when most people are asleep. Plus one cannot live on the base salary therefore I must pull double shifts. For example I went to work Wednesday did a double shift came home, got a call that my brother Stephen who has Autism has an eye infection for which he is being treated, naturally I worry. Then off to work for Thursday, get home around 2:00 am which means I did not sleep for 48 hours straight. I crashed around 3 am last this morning and got up at 12 noon.
My work week started out well then by Wednesday I had a confrontation with the museum village idiot which escalated into me demanding that the union rep speak with him otherwise there will be an episode of Snapped inside the museum. This guy is known to disrespect women staff, he has been reprimanded countless times, and also been suspended numerous times yet he continues in his boneheaded behavior. Everyone else is nice, does their job, respects others, cooperates but he remains and reigns as the lone shithead for the late shift.
My current location which I will refer to as the Annex is much better than the Main Building where a few years ago a crazed male co-worker pinned me up against the wall in the galleries all the while threatening me as my co-workers watched as to whether or not he would choke the life out of me. I got him off me. Won’t say what I did but you can see it worked as I’m here writing this blog today.
A Little Background on Me
When I was a kid because I was so skinny I was always getting beat up. The other kids would constantly make fun of me. I’d cry at the drop of a hat. I was namby pamby, a wuss always apologizing and trying to get people to like me. Pretty much all the other kids punching bag.
At least once my Mom who was only 4′ 11′ weighing 95 lbs had to give an older boy who was stealing my lunch when I was walking to the school bus stop an upper cut. Being that my Mom was short he thought she was just another kid until his lights got punched out. Mom hit that boy so hard I’m sure he saw stars. When he said he was gonna get his Mama my mother said go get your mother and I’ll whup her ass too. Needless to say my Mom introduced him to the expression, “Don’t Sleep on the Size.” My parents taught me to stand up for myself, don’t allow other people to take advantage of you and that I am not a door mat for other folks dirty shoes.
It took a long time for the lessons to sink in. When I was 19 I was raped. I never told anyone nor did I report the sexual assault as I felt it was my fault and in those days nobody knew or discussed date rape. Even after years of therapy, various pills and being hospitalized I refused to speak about what happened to me or the details as talking about it won’t make things go away nor can it change the past. All I will say is that the guy who raped me went on to become a preacher. I know because I met him 20 years later and he actually had the nerve and audacity to suggest that we get together while we were standing in God’s House?!! Go figure.
Before I left high school some kid pushed me down a flight of stairs however by that time I had already enlisted in the military. That four years in the US Army taught me how to defend myself not only in terms of training but like any other school or workplace there are nuts, kooks and morons in there also.
I remember I had a room-mate who was selling drugs out of our room. She was a real roughneck you know the kind, a grown up bully. She used to threaten me and I would wander around the post for hours afraid to return to my room. Finally I had to take action. I slept with a baseball bat beside my bed because if the bitch tried something in the nighttime I would beat her ass bloody. I also reported her and she was probably imprisoned at either Mannheim or sent to Ft. Leavenworth which are both military prisons.
Time passed and sadly both my beloved parents passed away. I was vulnerable and some of the women who worked in the same office felt I needed male companionship. I was lonely and allowed myself to be set-up. Set up for a fall. Little did I know that the man I committed my life to for seven years would signal my downfall physically, emotionally and psychologically. As the song title says Love is a Battlefield but at that time I was the loser. I won’t go into the ugly details of the relationship but suffice to say that my Exe– was a Sociopath and a Narcissist. When he finally dumped me Thanksgiving Day 2007 I was physically free but abuse affected my personality in so many ways. For a long time I suffered badly from anxiety and panic attacks. To this day I still have triggers and parts of me that will never be healed and believe me I’ve tried everything out there.
However I did make a vow to myself that I would never ever allow a man to talk to me like dirt, take advantage of me or use and abuse me in any way. Naturally the Universe heard me and after being unemployed for all of 2007 I got in job in museum security at a workplace that has a track record of abuse, sexual harassment, mistreatment of women for years. At the time I did not know this but believe me I found out quick, fast and in a hurry. Working as a museum security guard not only do you deal with the general public many of whom are abrasive, racist, sexist (since the visiting public is mostly white I’ve been called everything but a child or God including a Nigger Bitch) etc…. but male co-workers who think that they have a right to your body.
I stayed because truthfully once you celebrate that 50th birthday you become invisible to prospective employers. Believe me I tried to leave via sending out resumes, networking and going on job interviews but leaving was not in the Creators plan for my life. I read on the AARP website that the unemployment rate for Americans over 50 is extremely high. Also a fact of life being in your 50s is when most diseases like high blood, pressure and diabetes set in. Since mine is a union job I need those benefits. I won’t be at my workplace too long as next year I’m eligible for retirement.
I can’t totally explain it but something inside me rose up. Like the line from the movie Network, “I’m as mad as hell and I’m not gonna take it anymore.” By the time I was 50 all the years of abuse, harassment and violence that I experienced brought out that other side that was lurking there all along. I hear a lot about forgiveness and renewing relationships, being nice, acting like a Lady, etc… Oh you should not be angry. You need to forgive that person even when that person is toxic. I don’t listen to any of those people. If you step to me I will defend myself even if that means you get hurt physically. You want forgiveness? Why? What for?
We see those people on TV all the time after they’ve ruined countless lives they suddenly have a “Come to Jesus” moment. Look buddy Jesus was not lost but you were and all the fake tears and cries for forgiveness mean nothing. God knows you at your core. Look at what happened to most of those shady phony Televangelists from the 1980s and 1990s. Where are they now? Either dead or defrocked. Some even went to prison for defrauding the flock.
And then there are the so-called Christians who believe they can positive think their way out of life or that everyone should subscribe to there twisted belief systems. I can see that on my comments and there will probably be some fool who will write me a diatribe or manifesto of how they conquered anger…Blah…Blah….Blah The ones who pull Jesus and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. out of their hats as to why other people usually people of color, Women, the disabled, etc… should continue to endure abuse, humiliation, racism, bigotry and discrimination.
We must embrace our poor demented twisted sisters and brothers as they rape, pillage and destroy our village/town. Let’s Welcome our enemies as they deny us the right to live and prosper. Well while you are kissing the oppressors ring I’ll be there kicking their ass. I’ll be the Warrior. You can be the sucker. Your choice.
Rise up and Fight Back!!
There are some Women Warriors in the Bible. My namesake DeBorah, Judith Beheading Holofernes, as well as Women who throughout history stood up for their people and the right to exist and be Free from tyranny and oppression.
Nzinga of Ndongo and Matamba
You can’t go around being afraid of people. You can’t allow people to intimidate you. I do believe in God, the Bible and prayer but there are times when as a Woman you must defend yourself. Nobody is going to come to your rescue and many times they will desert you. Yes I admit to having a temper and using salty language but that’s all the assholes understand. I’m not trying to forgive them or understand their behavior. I’m trying to live my life peacefully but if you get in my face I will show you my Warrior side and you will regret messing with me.
Other peoples opinions about my language, behavior or personal stances mean nothing to me. Like my Dad used to say, “An opinion is like an asshole. Everybody’s got one.”
I don’t let people should on me. You tell me some fantasy life you have has no impact on how I go about my life. Many have tried to guilt or shame me into changing and lost the battle. I will listen politely to what they say then go ahead and do what I was gonna do in the first place.
I ain’t got time for bullshit and nonsense. I’m at the age when I don’t give a damn.