Dumb Shit that Men Over 50 have said to me on dates or Why I Stop Dating Men and Started Dating the ID Channel.
50 Ways to Leave Your Lover
I want a woman who’s young and firm.
How you want a young woman who’s fit and trim when you resemble the Pillsbury Doughboy? And even if you have kept up your body with exercise, what happened to that Big 70s Afro you had back in the day? Hmmm…. I believe a little thing called balding has caught up with you. Looks like a job for Minoxidal. Oh yes can you do something about the nose and ear hair while you’re at it? Seems like the hair on your head has migrated to your olfactory and auditory systems. By the way did you notice you face has gotten a little craggy around the edges. I dare say most 20 & 30 somethings would find those things repulsive.
As for these Super-Size females in their 20s who are between 5 feet 1 and 5 ft 5 inches who weigh 200+ lbs at age 25 I daresay I’m more fit than they. Plus size is only cute until you hit 40 and find yourself weighed down by diabetes and on a respirator. Mickey D’s is a way of life for many 20 somethings who have never seen the inside of a kitchen except to step to the refrigerator and over to the micro-wave.
Moron. You could barely afford the 3 or 4 crumb snatchers and rug rats you had during the 80s, why in the hell would you want more kids? You can’t even go up a flight of steps without breathing hard much less try to chase a toddler through the house. Heck if you really want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet I’m sure that those kids you had during the 1970s and 1980s will oblige you with grandchildren. At least you can give those little monsters back when you get tired of them.
Strutting down the street with a woman young enough to be your daughter or grand-daughter might seem good for a while until the young bimbo gets tired of your Geritol using, Viagra needy ass and moves onto men her own age who can actually satisfy her and will live longer. In the evening before what you think will be a wild night of passionate love-making, seeing you take out your dentures to soak them in Polident will put the kibosh on any romantic endeavors.
And By the Way bubble head heifer will probably use Texting, Twitter or Facebook to break up with you. However as my beloved parents used to say, “There’s No Fool like an Old Fool.”
Conversations with the young hussy will only result in long drawn out explanations. If your Reality Show Girlfriend does not remember or has not actually experienced the following, you’re in trouble.
Transistor Radios — portable and cool
S&H Green Stamps — Too much licking and sticking
Drive-In Movies — Dr. Zhivago
Ed Sullivan — I only really recall the little mouse Topo Gigo
Mitch Miller — Everyone in my neighborhood watched just to see Leslie Uggams.
Lawrence Welk – hated him, but my parents loved him so I had to watch
Records: 78s, 33 1/3rds, 45s
RCA Magnavox TV with the tubes
Ralph Kiner and Lindsey Nelson
Stick with me Mature Man we can Walk Down Memory Lane together with our Bifocals and I’ll laugh at your corny Laugh-In jokes.