Tag: Purity

I’ll Cry Tomorrow

On By dancingpalmtreesIn Alice in Wonderland, Alice's Restaurant, Ambien, cacophony, Catharsis, Craving, Creativity, Delusions, despair, Dissonance, Dreams, Fantasy, Fears, Hallucinations, Insomnia, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Koyaanisqatsi, Mid-Life, Mind Altering Substances, Nirvana, Pharmacia Cornucopia, profane, Purgatory, Pusherman, rabbit hole, Redemption, Refuge, Rejection, Rescue, Sacred, Sanctuary, Scars, Shinnyo-en Buddhism, soul, Stigmata, Street preachers, Suffering, Suicide, Surrealism, White Rabbit

The Struggle of the Two Natures in Man George Grey Barnard (American, Bellefonte, Pennsylvania 1863–1938 New York)
The Struggle of the Two Natures in Man
George Grey Barnard (American, Bellefonte, Pennsylvania 1863–1938 New York)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Struggle of the Two Natures in Man

George Grey Barnard (American, Bellefonte, Pennsylvania 1863–1938 New York)

We all face this struggle of good and evil within ourselves whether we acknowledge it or not. Refusal does not mean it ceases to exist rather it hides like a caged angry animal ready to leap out and cause destruction at the least provocation.  The dual natures is an ever present battleground existing within our various selves.  We are in one body a mixture of the sacred and the profane. We seek sanctuary from the island of lost souls populated but shades, ghosts of formerly flesh, blood and bone humans.  We bear the stigmata and battle scars of imploding internal battlefields.  Redemption and refuge will only be found by acknowledging our weakest points, applying salve and seeking greener pathways. Lest we fall into the rabbit hole. Drowning in quicksands of pride and stubbornness.  Our decisions. Our choices.  Help is available if we clasp the outstretched hand.

As the Apostle Paul states in “Romans 7:15-20

New International Version (NIV)

15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.”

 

I’ll Cry Tomorrow

 

Self-Trust, Inner Guide, the Knowing Voice Within, Strong Internal Core, Ignoring the Experts; These appear to be the latest Buzzwords in the ever present Self-Help craze that has been going on since the 1970s.

Well I beg to differ.  I know I’m about to stir up a Hornet’s Nest but that’s what writers do, create controversy, ignite debate and hopefully make readers think.  Much to the consternation of the New Age Gurus yes there are wrong choices and bad decisions.

I’ve learned to run major  decisions by  trusted friends and professionals.  Got tired of making bad decisions which  backfired on me.  You need a few good friends as sounding boards because most of us cannot be objective regarding our problems, thus wrong choices.  You need someone or several somebodies to hold you accountable, slap you upside the head and say, “Get with the Program before you Kill Yourself!!”

Friends, ministers, pastors, some co-workers and close family can give objective advice.  Sometimes we are way too caught up in our emotions to make correct  or wise choices.  That guy may be so in love with yet who is violent and abusive is the wrong man.  Time to  take off the Romantic Blinders and see him as others view him. A violent, abusive, evil tempered jerk.  Poor financial choices.  Buying a home, car or some other big ticket item could be a very bad choice if you don’t have enough income to cover the outgo.

People have lost homes, jobs, their families and even their lives behind bad choices.  The lesson is learned too late for correction.  It’s like being a little bit pregnant.  No such thing.  As humans we are influenced by our fickle emotions, family backgrounds, how we were raised, and society’s expectations.  We can’t see the forest for the trees.

For years I was a prescription drug addict.  Though the doctors who liberally dispersed the pills are somewhat to blame the lion’s share of the blame is on me because I made the choice  to  keep taking them nearly to the point of death.  Now that I’m in my mid-50s  and living a cleaner life, yes my “Internal Core” has improved but it is still not as strong as it should be.  Also I still must live with the consequences of  previous dumb stupid decisions.   Yes I’ve lived through being evicted from my apartment in Queens, been in and out of various   hospital emergency  rooms, I have a terrible credit rating, plus certain health issues that I’ll be battling the rest of my life.  My Inner Guide was a damn fool and an idiot.  No I should have gotten professional help.  I put my trust in people who I thought loved me and who I assumed would help me.  I made choices out of fear and poor health and an addled mind.  Finally after seven years of struggle I’m beginning to see daylight.  I know my limitations.

I also know that at any point I could backslide but I believe I’ve finally reached the point where I no longer want to live in the Valley.  I want a Mountaintop experience.   Trust me when I say this wisdom  and insight I now possess has only come with fighting depression, fear, panic attacks, and anxieties.  Once you hit bottom and you’re tired of living there you’ll find a way to go up.  I learned to stop make excuses for my bad behavior, stand up for my rights as a middle-aged Black Woman living in a racist, sexist, ageist society, stopped dating men who don’t respect me, my dreams or goals and who really mean me no good, junked all the pills except for my high blood pressure medication, eat right, exercise and renew my faith.  I’m now an active member of the New York Shinnyo-en Buddhist community.  Through Buddhism I’ve become a stronger Christian.  Truly I’ve begun to understand what it means to work out your Soul’s Salvation.  The means of escape you seek is only a delusion. Life is meant to be faced head on.  This life is only yours to live.  No one can live it for you.  Now I’m on a better pathway because I have a clearer more focused mind.  I still have some setbacks but my life has improved 95% in the last two years.   

Moving Forward.

Please check out the link for a Bio on the actress Susan Hayward star of the movie I’ll Cry Tomorrow.  Susan Hayward a BadAss Brooklyn Beauty who even with her cracks, fissures and faults didn’t take shit from anybody.  Susan Hayward’s story resonates with me.  We are both Fiery, Hotheaded Strong Willed Redheads.   Hers was natural.  Mine is from a bottle.  I Love actresses from the 30s, 40s, and 50s because they overcame so much and were some of the best actresses ever to grace the stage and films.  Exotic Beauty, Fame and fortune do not always bring happiness, sometimes just a new set of demons to conquer.  Ms. Hayward’s pain made her a better actress because she approached each role from her gut.  My pain has made me a better writer.  Like her there were times when I did not want to live.  I wanted to leave this earth because the pain was too great to bear, yet God sent someone my way to save me and make me realize the foolishness of my actions.

I suffer no fools and I pull no punches.  Shipwrecked. Lost.  Perhaps. But learning to rely on G.P.S. ~ God’s Positioning System. Shattered Portraits, we picked up the shards, put them in the kiln  to create an entire new piece of pottery changed but not consumed by fire.

Like her I struggled with substance abuse.  Mine was prescription meds, hers alcohol.  Like her I’ve had many failed romances.  But through it all we Strong No Nonsense Women prevail, persevere and triumph over defeat.    As the title of Susan Hayward’s movie states, “I’ll Cry Tomorrow.”

Ready for my Second Act.

 

  http://youtu.be/jh_Q9BOVUyo

 

Suffering — A Character Flaw?

On By dancingpalmtreesIn Character, Expectations, Scars, soul, Spirituality, Suffering, Understanding, Wisdom2 Comments

Suffering – A Character Flaw or an Expose of False Doctrine

Isaiah 45:7

New International Version (NIV)

7 I form the light and create darkness,
I bring prosperity and create disaster;
I, the LORD, do all these things.

I hope that this essay will invite some intelligent discourse on suffering. I for one do not subscribe to the false teachings of the Prosperity Preachers or the Name it and Claim it gospel of greed. Christians under the delusion of these falsehoods seem to find fault with those of us who are sick, have a disease or disabled. Always the cries of you don’t have enough faith or any faith. It puts an unrealistic onus on the sufferer if they don’t get delivered or don’t achieve some material fame, fortune and stardom.

I have to admit up until maybe a year and a half ago I did subscribe to the false teachings being broadcast on so-called Christian Television.  Around 2008 my fortunes changed for the worse and I was looking for a way out. I was in such a bad way and so desperate I played the fool by ordering tapes, blessed cloths, etc… in the hopes that God would heal my situation. As my physical health continued to deteriorate my mental reasoning began to rise to the forefront. I realized these TV preachers, the ones on the Internet and the false prophets within my own neighborhood were just preying on my desperation and that of fellow sufferers. These false prophets in the guise of Christian ministers of the Gospel were and are no better than that fake psychic Miss Cleo who promised similar salvation from life’s ills. As we all know she was exposed for the phony she was and her racket went down the drain

Recently God has given me peace in my storm. A knowing that no matter what happens, good or bad He is still with me.  I gained a new perspective away from the shallow and superficial allowing me to add much needed depth to my character. Having a chronic illness coupled with chronic pain has made me more sympathetic and empathetic towards others. When my finances began to go down the drain along with my health I was forced to reorder my life and my priorities. Over the last three years I’ve gotten rid of my car and my cable service, therefore I have not watched television other than at a friend’s house or in the beauty shop for nearly two years. No boob tube = clear thinking. Physical and financial deprivation gave me the opportunity to concentrate on more reading and my writing.

Prior to a personal encounter with serious illness I had just been an outside observer. I saw both my parents suffer horribly from cancer, especially my mother. It was a painful experience to see my Mom go through that hell but I never lost my faith. I just prayed that God would take her. For my Mom and Dad healing and deliverance came through death. Over the last ten years many of my close friends, co-workers and school mates have passed away at a young age. Truly I was saddened by all their passing’s but I knew in my heart they had not suffered or died in vain. This past May a very good friend and co-worker from my former job went to be with the Lord at age 51.  She was a true example of Christian faith, charity, love and understanding. She left behind a loving husband and children. No I don’t understand why God allowed her to die so soon at the peak of her life but He did and she’s gone.

The affect of her early death was a re-examination of my faith, my life. Am I living right? Am I a blessing towards others? Do I negate others feelings or emotions just because they may not be in line with my own experience. In addition to pray what are some practical hands-on ways I can help my sisters and brothers in need. That last sentence is what the church or rather its people have gotten away from.

In my personal walk with disease the people who have helped me the most were whom Christians “non-believers”.  As a result of the kindness from those of other faiths and belief systems I’ve redefined who is a un- or non-believer. A Believer is one who follows God’s laws and rules of conduct, who reaches out their hand to help those in need regardless of whether that person follows their faith system or any belief system at all. Some Christians have a bad habit of letting “Wounded Soldiers Die”. So quick to criticize.  So easy to body slam fellow believers with snarky phrases like, “Living beneath one’s privileges”.  That statement is so shallow, empty and superficial. Well you know life is a privilege in whatever form it manifests itself. The next time you volunteer at a soup kitchen, homeless center, Battered Women’s Shelter or help out at a local Special Olympics let’s see how far your guilt trip gospel will get you.

Thank you God for slowing me down. Thank you for helping me to live within these new bodily limitations. My suffering has produced purity of my soul, clarity of the mind and charity of my heart. I do not consider myself a failure because I’ve learned to adapt to physical changes in my body. Yes the times in various doctors’ offices and local hospital E.R.’s are frustrating and frightening, but now I just pray for peace and the strength to get through these episodes. My personal physical healing is not necessarily the objective. Then when I return to my job I can be a real blessing to co-workers and friends who are also going through.

Thank you God that I’m becoming better not bitter. Yes the landscape of my life has changed for many reasons. Healing, Deliverance and/or financial/material success are not my testimony but steadfastness, patience and purity of heart. My hunger, passion and desire are to live out God’s calling upon my life in whatever time I have left on this earth. I have been called by God to witness and to be a witness. Thank you Lord and May readers receive this writing in the spirit in which it was written. If it is for you receive it, if not shake off the dust as we agree to disagree in Love.

http://bible.org/article/why-there-suffering

DeBorah Ann Palmer

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