Mother was held in a panorama spun by coveted lovers, who were harlots through celibacy. Invasion of the Body Snatchers whilst the Queen Borg keys jangling at her side hovers and wanders abandoned cells. Caught up in super glue strong web awaiting sacrifice to whatever gods may brought forth. Brain septic by glowering imps sowing discord and muddle.
Reminiscences dance in the fog of false recollections. New realities dawn upon hazy cloudy dew kissed shores. Sand castles washed away by strong willed breakers. Molecules and atoms dripping essence along rosy silt coastlines. Scamps and scalawags populating geographical dungeons.
With this confession my Mother’s Soul residing within me is at rest. She rages no more, her anguish has been extinguished.
My mother and I share broken lives, shattered in similar places we cut ourselves on shards of pain, our fractured lives seeking to mend.
Madame Sultan with no edit button or filters to gauge this new animation wondering where to fit in. Butternut pancakes with a side order of Squash.
Now I attempt to retrieve the scattered pieces, seeking to restore the scattered jigsaw puzzle of Isis, long in disarray, bent and twisted from misuse, abuse and false accusations. Fraying the edges making impossible even imperfect fits.
Sitting across from her flesh & blood ghost, linking hands we grant each other absolution long sought from others outside our circle but only possible for us, from us. I am she and she is me into perpetuity.
Wisdom. Understanding. My Truth. Freedom. Moving towards my 3rd Act ~ Age 60 but not yet there. What aging was for my mother’s and grandmother’s generations is a whole new ballgame for me and I’m a Free Agent enjoying the ride.
I’ve been thinking about how I see myself as opposed to how other see me. Slowly I’m freeing myself from the constraints of youth. Actually I’m happier and more pleased with myself that I ever was 30 or even 20 years ago. I’m not running behind or chasing some man. Nor am I desperate to be in a relationship. Even in the face of emotional pain and heartbreak I have the courage to step away from a relationship that I know will never work and is not meant to be. I ignore the preconceived notions of what a woman should be. Of course like every other human being on this earth I deal with insecurities, fears, obstacles, all human faults and fragilities. After all you gotta break some eggs to make an omelet.
Each decade brings its own crises and a new set of questions and self-knowledge at least for those who are honest. In my 20s was my wild and crazy time. My 30s a decade of challenge where life’s tables were turned as I lost both my parents within the space of three years. My 40s I became more self-aware as my intellectual and academic lives merged and soared higher than a spaceship reaching for an unknown planet. As the economy crashed and burned after 2006 my life also took an unexpected detour actually several unexpected and in some cases unpleasant detours. Turning 50 in 2009 brought new possibilities but new queries. Health challenges via high blood pressure and a mini-stroke, retina surgery, vision loss. Changing lifestyle in my quest towards well-being and dealing with my new menopausal body. My new friend Mr. Arthur Itis who decided to make his presence known in a powerful way earlier this year. Stilling fighting Arthur with exercise but to be honest sometimes Arthur wins!! Yet in my mind I’m dancing. In my dreams I’m still that idealistic eighteen year old young woman who was always ready for the next adventure in life! Nowadays my body does not always obey my minds commands but I’m excited about my Third Act. After listening to Jane Fonda’s Ted Talk on new ways to view aging I’m looking forward to turning Sixty!!
Comfort levels also change as one gets older. In some areas of life one gets not only older but bolder. In other areas there is some hesitation born out of experience and caution. I find it is never good to make split second decisions especially if I’m angry or upset. Sleeping on it and allowing myself a good cry enables me to cleanse my system of sadness and worry. Letting my emotions out vents my soul then I can put things into perspective instead of committing self-sabotage. Also it’s okay to just stop. Stop. Put it to the side until I’m in my right mind. Screw all the people who tell me to keep going. Everyone needs a break. Sometimes I just need to sit for a few hours, day’s maybe even weeks and veg out.
Why be overwhelmed just to satisfy all the folks who want me to be strong, to be some fake, phony Super Woman who does not exist. Even I’m guilty of looking at a girlfriend’s life and asking, “Why does she stay in that situation? Why not just pick up and leave?” But in their life as in mine there are always extenuating circumstances that I will neither know nor understand. Hidden motivations that keep them in place because it is not yet time for them to move on.
There are thousands if not millions of voices out there disguised as “Life Coaches” and “Motivational Speakers” who demand you take control of your life on their terms but only you can make that decision. Only you know when is the right time to move onto the next phase, stage or level. As the Bible says you cannot put new wine into old wineskins. The most important voice you need to listen to is your own.
Queen Tiye
Despite the fact that financially I’m struggling that struggle does not define me. I still pursue my writing and photography dreams though I may never “get paid.” Writing and photography are my heart and soul passions that are beyond material gain. There is no need to sacrifice who I am to meet the outlooks of society. Art is Life! Back in Feb. 2014 when I turned 55 my Theme Song was I’m Still Here. Next year I’m Bringing back Sexy because it never left. By Age 56 Feb. 2015, I’m Taking it to the Next Phase! Third Act ~ I’m on my way!!
She is me and I am she. My African and Native American Ancestors and I are one. We are One in the Beloved through time, space and eternity. I am the present conduit through which they speak.
I am the Holy Beloved Blessed Scribe commissioned to tell their tales. I am Queen Tiye daughter of Yuya and Tjuyu, Great Royal Wife of the Egyptian pharaoh Amenhotep III, Mother of Akhenaten and Grandmother of Tutankhamun. I am Hatsheput and Nzingha. Nubia and North America are my birthplaces. Ancient Sabaeans and Modern Yemenis are my descendants. Know that Ethiopia the New Jerusalem shall Rise Again! Temples and Churches carved into mountainsides will never fall.
We are the Lost Tribes of Israel and Africa. My lineage stretches across the destinies of continents.
Only bowing to the King of Kings and Our Lord of Lords never kneeling to False Prophets aka false profits, whited sepulchers walking dead mens’ bones filling their coffers through vice and trickery. I eternally serve the One who died for me! All the rest are greed filled knaves and fools bilking desperate hearts in need. Spreading a blasphemous Gospel of Greed.
Staining the House of God from within and without. Lord Jesus Mighty Conquering comes riding upon the Black Horse of Justice swiftly dispatching all who besmirch his Holy name.
Fakers. Wearers of many faces leaping forth with slithering tongues. Cacophony of fabricated hopes and bogus promises. Backward collars. Backward minds. Trickster preachers wearing perfumed fine robes covering rotting flesh and decayed bones. Strutting. Posturing, Pontificating Piped Pipers leading the Flock astray. I never knew you. Never again will you be permitted to utter profanities on sacred ground. Be gone into everlasting oblivion you counterfeiters of Truth.
If I Jump back into time. Jump the broom back Mother Africa who will I find? And why do the ancestors call my name?
Though I’m separated from the Motherland for over 200 years there is that spiritual umbilical cord that binds me to Mother Africa. A Mother always cries for her lost children.
Was I being and speaking Yoruba, Igbo, Bantu, Akan, Twi, Tsonga, Nyungwe, Ronga, Ngoni, Chopi, Tonga, Ndau, Tswa, Swahili, Makhuwa, Sena?
In a distant time was I Nzinga Mbande Warrior Monarch of the Mbundu people? How many souls are in my spirit and what bloods run through my veins?
Perhaps my ancestors have chosen me their earthly Sankofa bird to reach back and pull their souls from suffering and oblivion. They are saying, “Remember us!” Redeem us Dear Sister that our deaths were not in vain. Their voices cry out to me from the depths of the oceans. Their spilled consecrated blood from hallowed ground. Yes I hear your cries sacred ones and deliverance is on the way.
Pilgrimage is nigh on Sankofa bird wings Oh land of my ancestors!
Espiritu en Fuego/A Fiery Spirit 