Geezer Magnet

Geezer Magnet

Moms Mabley
Moms Mabley

Yesterday I finally came to grips with the fact that I’m a Geezer Magnet. Every man attracted to me is in the 65+ category. I blame the overuse of Viagra and his brother Cialis. The discovery of these medications has given dirty old men a new weapon in their limited arsenal.

My 78 year old neighbor Ms. Ruby and I were enjoying yesterday’s R&B music concert at our housing development. Good turnout. Great soul music. There was a 90 year old man sitting in front of us who kept trying to hit on me. Wanted to dance. For almost the entire concert he kept turning around trying to touch me. At one point I smacked his hand away. Ms. Ruby says he can’t do nothing. She says his dick probably like a dried up chili! Ms. Ruby also let me know that he was a widower who took up with five women after his wife died. One of his girlfriends’s wound up in a nursing home.

How this old coot wanna touch or dance when he can barely walk and if I pushed him hard enough he’d be crying, “Help me I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” Limp dick, bald head, spotty hand mofo still trying to get coochie! Damn shame!

Old Folks finally left the show around 7pm. Whew!! I could finally enjoy the rest of the show in peace & quiet. Mr. Age Spots almost got smacked in the head by one of my Muslim neighbors because he was trying to touch her butt as she was talking with us! Never mess with an African-American Muslim Woman. We had to hold her back. Shoot! Neither Allah nor Jesus would have been able to help that old coot if my Muslim neighbor had started whaling on his wrinkled behind.

Ms. Ruby told me he had buried one wife and put some girlfriend in a Nursing Home. One day that dirty old man will come and go at the same time! Viagra has made him overconfident. There is no way I’d want to see a man old enough to be my father naked.

Thankfully we were able to enjoy the final hour of the concert and our Kool & the Gangs favorites from the band. Next week is Gospel. Hopefully he won’t be there. Oh well as my parents used to say, “There’s No Fool like an Old Fool.” Rochdale Village seems to have an overabundance of dirty old men on the prowl. Go figure.

Another only in New York Geezer hit man story.  A couple of Thursdays ago my friends and I boarded the Downtown M3 bus. Naturally we took seats close to each other near to the door. Paul was reading a story in the New York Times about the passing of author Gore Vidal. Next thing we know the drunk in front of Paul turns around and starts talking to Paul and Keith about another author Tennessee Williams. Paul and Keith are doing their best to ignore this idiot when after Cora and I began to talk he turned his ugly gaze upon us or rather upon me in particular.

I was trapped. He went on and on about how beautiful and natural I was, if I was married…. I told him that I was taken. He asked me what sign was my husband. I said Scorpio. “Hey, I like Scorpio men and they like me.” However this began to lead to sex talk. I told him I was a Christian. Then this demented beat up elderly excuse for Leon Spinks starts telling us or rather me that he used to be a pimp but now he’s a Christian. Meanwhile Paul and Keith have gotten very quiet. Every time we try to talk among ourselves, Old Folks Leon Spinks would chime in. After several tense moments Cora and I are praying that this guy gets off the bus. Our prayers were answered but not before he asked me to go with him to the liquor store. Damn that Negro had way too much Ripple or Thunderbird already.

Mr. Rotten Teeth also gave me a speech on his days as a Pimp along with his pleas for me to join him. When Raggedy Man realized I was moving he got off the bus but not without giving me a broken teeth leer.

Paul, Keith and Cora were relieved as well as me when he finally left. Dear God I don’t know why I attract idiotic good for nothing worthless men. Then to make things worse they all want to touch me and/or take me somewhere like the 75+ old coot who came to the museum talking trash to me about how I’d make a good slave in this play he was producing in North Carolina. I asked him, “Why I gotta be the slave?” Then he added insult to injury by asking me how to get to the New York Public Library. I informed him that the downtown buses; M2, M3 or M4 would happily take him there since I would not. Just get off at 42nd street. By this time he was getting desperate and saw that he was getting nowhere with his corny lines so next he implored me to escort him to the 19th Century Art section within the museum. Once again I refused his request stating that my supervisor who was in plain view through the glass doors would not allow me to do so. He looks at my supervisor then lets loose with the final insult. “Oh he looks like Obama.”  My, my, my….  How white of him. Jackass.

At this point I’m totally disgusted and said Sir now go out there and tell my supervisor what you just told me. He and his cane hobbled through the doors over to my supervisor. After gaining his attention he thought better of his statement and just asked directions to the Impressionists.

Hopefully the next time I see Cora, Keith, Paul or my neighbor Ms. Ruby we can all laugh but hopefully we will not see this kook or any of his horny brethren again!  Nursing home rejects. Nutty dirty old men in the museum, in the park, on the bus and in the subway!

Ladies I’m like Moms Mabley. As Moms used to say, “The only thing an old man can do for me is to show me where to find a young one!”

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