Stand By Donnie McClurkin

Put in a call to AHRC New York City, got on their wait list and they will be mailing me out a list of Guardianship Lawyers. The woman answering my call said the wait is usually one to two years. Now that I think that through by the time I actually get a lawyer I’ll be retired!! Somehow this is a cosmic joke and Stephen and I are the punch lines. Ugh!!

In order to remain calm and somewhat stable I’ve been doing lots of praying. I’ve always been a woman of prayer but these last few months in fact since the end of 2014 I’ve been under extreme stress. Finally I’ve begun to fall back on my Baptist upbringing and put all my cares, fears, faults and failures in Jesus hands. Basically As far as my brother Stephen and I are concerned everything is in God’s hands now. I have exhausted all my options and sometimes it seems it’s never enough. I’m never enough. Not good enough. Not smart enough. Lots of shame and guilt. Many times tired and burnt out but still struggling because Stephen is relying on me.

So Lord Jesus I commit my troubled life to you. Let God’s Will be done in our lives. For only God sees the tears I cry at night, is with me through sleepless nights and by my side while I fake smile during the day at work all the while broken inside.

People who are atheists and/or non-believers probably laugh and joke about people like me. People of Faith but let me tell you something when you’ve back is against the wall, Mom and Dad are gone, no husband or boyfriend, friends and family have long left you behind that’s where your Faith comes in otherwise I’d go crazy. Truly Jesus is my only friend. The only one on whom I can rely. Jesus is there in the midnight hour when there is no one else who cares or will listen. One day I will find out why, my purpose and what this struggle all means but as for now I put my hand in his hand.

Ocean – Put Your Hand In The Hand (1971 – HQ) (Original Live Audio)